Saturday, March 11, 2023

To Think or Not to Think: That Is the Question

My recent posts have focused on my search this year for some form of "closure" on my decades-long career as children's book writer and scholar. Note that "closure" does NOT have to mean full-out retirement or complete bailing on the work and world that I have loved. But it will likely mean closing at least some chapters of my story to make way for the chapters that follow.

These posts have struck a chord in many readers of my age cohort, but also prompted some affectionate questions of the form: "Um - aren't you, well, OVERTHINKING all of this?" One friend wrote, "Why must you decide? Why not just follow your whim? Follow your gut, follow your heart, follow how you feel when you wake up each morning." Another wrote, "Just amuse yourself with unapologetic, unjustified fun in whatever form it takes." A third advised me to "wait and see what happens."

This is excellent advice, of course, but something in me rebels against it. So here is how I am THINKING through the question of how much to be THINKING about all of this!


Well, first of all, I like to think. People who become philosophy professors are usually people who enjoy thinking. And I'm particularly drawn to thinking about - I might as well admit it - ME. I have long discussions with myself in my trusty little notebook, where I pour out my troubles and then write, "Little notebook, help!" and then the little notebook proceeds to give me excellent advice.

All my writing - creative and scholarly - begins with my sitting down, pen in hand, and deliberately and self-consciously thinking about what I want to write. I NEVER EVER have an idea just pop into my head. I get ideas ONLY when I sit down with clipboard, pad of paper, and pen and write at the top of the page IDEAS. While I am not 100 percent a "plotter" as opposed to a "pantser" (one who flies by the seat of her pants) in creating a book, I'm closing to the plotter end of the spectrum (though not in a mechanized way). If I just waited to see what I ended up writing, I don't think I'd ever write anything.

Most important, though, is that what I'm thinking about so hard these days is the relationship between writing and publication - and all that the search for publication involves. I'm a writer who cares about having readers who aren't just me. Even when I write in a journal - oh, this is a narcissistic confession! - I imagine future biographers reading it! When I write poems, I want to share them at least with a few friends. Do I want to get poems published? Well, I sort of do. Do I want this enough to research poetry journals and jump through the hoops required to submit my work, knowing that I will face a 15:1 rate of rejection to acceptance? I'm not sure. I AM sure that I would never just wake up one morning and FEEL like doing this. Doing this is not FUN. But I might decide that doing an UN-fun thing that I DON'T feel like doing will result in future satisfactions worth doing it anyway.

I have LOVED publishing books! I have ADORED it! After 62 published books, it is still a joy to hold a brand-new published book BY ME in my hands. But the publication process involves much rejection, self-doubt, competition, and critique by total strangers. I'm at a season of my life where I need to THINK about whether, for me, the joy outweighs the misery. Of course, this is the kind of thing I can change my mind about, day by day. When I gave up my tenured position in the Philosophy Department at the University of Colorado, almost ten years ago now, I knew this was an irrevocable decision. The decision whether or not to keep on writing academic articles for POSSIBLE publication is not. Ditto for the decision to keep on writing  children's books for POSSIBLE publication. Maybe on Monday I would wake up thinking I will take a few more whacks at a children's lit article - and on Tuesday decide I can't stand it - and on Wednesday give it a few more whacks again. But in this last third of my life, I'd like to have a bit more of a PLAN than this - because publication is more likely to turn from POSSIBLE to ACTUAL with serious, sustained effort than with waiting for the muse to visit. 

For now I THINK I need to keep on THINKING. But this is enough THINKING about THINKING for today!




Saturday, March 4, 2023

More Thoughts on "Closure" - Slammed Door or Gently Closing Gate?

One of my first realizations when I began to ponder what "closure" might mean for me in this stage of my career as writer and scholar is that "closure" is akin to "enclosure" - not just what is fenced OUT, but what is fenced IN, enfolded, protected - not just what I DON'T want anymore from my career, but what I DO. 

I do NOT want to give up everything I love most! But I need to find a new way to love it, appropriate for this season of my life.

I have wanted to be a writer from the moment I could first hold a pencil or a crayon. 


I even included an "ad card" at the end to publicize future titles - precocious marketing maven that I was.



Sixty-two published books later, I'm certainly not ready to say farewell forever to writing - and not just writing for myself, but for others to read - and yes, writing for publication.

And yet... I can't help but notice how much the world of children's book writing is changing. There is a rightful demand for and appreciation of new and diverse voices telling new and diverse stories - hooray for that! But I'm neither new nor "diverse" in the ways diversity is commonly understood. There is an almost insatiable demand on the part of young readers for graphic novels - an exciting literary form, but not "me." Stories for young readers are becoming ever more filled with (fun!) murder and (fun!) mayhem, but I'm not a murder and mayhem kind of person. My idea of a gripping survival story is a shy seventh grade girl surviving the middle school dance. And authors are increasingly expected to become adept self-promoters on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and platforms I haven't even heard of yet. 

My beloved Stoic philosopher Epictetus tells us, in so many words, "If you want to go the banquet, you have to flatter the tyrant. If you don't want to flatter the tyrant, then don't go to the banquet." It's as simple as that. But of course, what we want is for what worked for us forty years ago to continue to work for us now. Ain't going to happen. I have no right to expect it to happen. It's so good in so many ways that this is NOT happening! 

But still...

So I need to figure out how to keep on writing the way I want in a world that may or may not want what I write. Can I find a way to change while still being true to who I am as a writer? Am I willing to do this? (Tentative answer: not really!). Or can I find a way to gain sweet satisfaction from writing with altered expectations (I think this is the more promising route!). 

I don't want to slam the door on my writing life. But on some parts of it, I think I'll be closing a gate... gently...






Wednesday, March 1, 2023

Reflections on "Closure"

I read a piece of blogging advice some time ago. One thing it said was: "If you have a lapse in your blogging, don't call attention to it with any explanations (for who cares?). Just jump back in." Well, as I ignored the rest of the advice ("make sure to repeat lots of key words so you rise up in the algorithms for Google searches"), I'm ignoring this one, as well. 

I drifted away from blogging toward the end of last year as part of a larger reconsideration of my entire career as a children's book author and scholar - of my entire LIFE! But now it's the first day of a new month, time to start a whole NEW LIFE, so here is the post I would have written on January 1, if I had been in a blogging mood then.

My poet friend Molly Fisk promotes the practice, not of making a resolution, but of choosing a word for a new year: a word to ponder, to reflect upon, to live with as a thought-provoking companion. Actually, she says sometimes it's not so much that you choose the word, but the word chooses you.

The word that chose me was "closure."

I was discouraged about my career as children's book creator and as children's literature scholar. The world of both authors and scholars was changing so much, and I was feeling too old and weary to change along with it. I was also (joyously) distracted by suddenly, shockingly, stunningly, falling in love in a totally life-transforming way. So: did I even WANT to be part of this changing world? And if I did, did it still want ME? 

One of my friends found out her husband was retiring when she heard him say, in a phone conversation, "Well, I guess it's time for me to hang up my spurs." Maybe it was time for me to hang up MY spurs and ride off into the sunset. When I took early retirement from my career as a tenured philosophy professor almost a decade ago, I told myself not to think of this as "retirement" but just as a career change. My self-given command was: "Do not go gentle into that good pasture." Now I found myself asking, "What's so bad about the pasture?" The pasture was starting to sound awfully alluring. It might be time to think about discovering some satisfying form of closure on the life I had lived for so long. 

Another poet friend offered a writing prompt for January 1 that went like this: "fences that close, fences that open, pastures beyond." Ooh! THAT'S what I needed to be thinking about for this new year!

I've been thinking about this for two months now. In future posts, I'll share some of what I've figured out about what closure is coming to mean to me - and how different this is from what I thought it would be. Maybe it isn't closure at all? But whatever it is, I think I'm liking it....









Wednesday, November 16, 2022

The Year of Poetry?

 2022 was supposed to be The Year of Poetry.

My actual stated goal for the year - oh, how I love stating goals for each year! - was "Reconnect with and Recommit to Creative Joy." But the biggest part of this was going to be immersing myself in poetry, because what could be more creatively joyous than that? I would read poetry, write poetry, and (gasp!) start submitting my poems for publication. And I would open the year by taking myself to Paris, because what better place to write poetry than in Paris?

I did take myself to Paris in January, but I wrote more blog posts and journal entries than poems while I was there, and also worked on revisions of a middle-grade novel. In February, however, I luxuriated in the online Poem-a-Day group run by brilliant and beloved poet Molly Fisk, and I forced myself to submit just a few poems to just a few places. And two of them got accepted by the Sunlight Press - and they even agreed to pay me money for them. Actual money for being a poet!!! 

But then in March, I got . . . distracted. Instead of falling ever more deeply in love with poetry, I fell in love... with a man. Who fell in love with me. And then all I cared about for the rest of the year, pretty much, was making a new life with him - though I have to say that nobody on earth could be more supportive of me as a writer than he has been. 

I did keep on writing poetry - mainly love poems to him, of course. And I also (mostly) honored my life-long hour-a-day commitment to write (see the name of this blog!) and am close to finishing a full draft of another middle-grade novel which may be my magnus opus or may be an unpublishable dud. Who knows? Who cares? I wrote it with such joy that I can report that for the first time in my writing life I truly cared more about the process than the product. Being so deeply in love has proved transformative for me in many ways!

I did Molly's Poem-a-Day group again in June and also in October - what a remarkable community of poets she has created and nourished! I  also did a ZOOM each month with my friend Jacqueline Jules, a well-published poet whose poems I adore. In each session we critique three poems by each of us - what an insightful and encouraging critic she is!

What I did NOT do was continue to submit poems. It just seemed like so much trouble, so much bother. Wasn't writing them enough? Wasn't it enough just to put words on paper, share them with my new true love, and with Jackie, and with the Poem-a-Day folks? Well, yes. But to be a writer, for better or worse, is to want to connect with readers. And publication - I might as well admit it - is just so satisfying!

So I'm pleased to report that those two poems accepted by Sunlight Press back in the spring are now published - TODAY! Here's the link should you care to take a peek. Maybe 2023 will be the year when I get really serious about not only writing but publishing poetry - could there be a chapbook in my future? But today I'm just happy that both love AND poetry have been part of my life in 2022.

Saturday, October 1, 2022

Logging "Nice Things and Accomplishments"

Happy first day of October! For those of you who, like me, start a new life on the first day of every new month, happy new life!

In my trusty little notebook, I keep a log for each month of its "nice things and accomplishments," so I won't look back at the end of the month and wail, "In this whole entire month, I did NOTHING AT ALL!" I'm both reasonably lax and reasonably strict as to what counts as either a nice thing or an accomplishment. So nice as it is, I wouldn't include a pleasant lunch with a good friend whom I see on a regular basis, but I would include a glorious extended visit from a friend from out of town. In the category of accomplishments, I wouldn't include writing individual blog posts, but I did include the blog post series back in January from my trip to Paris. I have standards here, folks!

Usually I end up with 7 or 8 items. January (month of the trip to Paris and its aftermath), I had a whopping 14. For February, I had only 5. But last month I had the most paltry total EVER: a mere three things. 1) I wrote a long-overdue substantive book review for the Children's Literature Association Quarterly. 2) I made steady happy progress on my new middle-grade-novel-in-progress, with 100 pages done of the first draft. And 3) I had a perfectly beautiful first full month with my True Love at Rainbow's End where we deepened our already deep love and strengthened our already strong relationship - oh, and I started a practice of journaling about this every day - which I guess I could count as item number 4. 

Item #2 could have been broken down into giving myself credit for each individual chapter I wrote, but the chapters are short and still feel so tentative and provisional, as if any one of them might be tossed out completely - nay, as if the whole project might be tossed out completely, And, as I just noted, #3 could count as two things - the beautiful happy month AND the faithful journaling about it. But...now that I think of it, is having a beautiful happy month itself a THING? Is it thing-like enough to BE a THING? Or is it just how my life is now? And I hope, how my life will be forever? Or at least for a good long while?

I have to confess that in the grip of this new love, I'm losing my mania for cataloging things. I even - gasp! - took off my Fitbit, for good, two days ago. Once I returned from the morning walk with David and Gaia-the-dog, I realized I had left it in the charger overnight and was getting credit for NONE of those steps, which at first threw me into the usual despair, for isn't any walk pointless if the steps aren't duly calculated? And then I realized.. um... no... because... there was the beauty of the misty morning on Valley Lane... and his hand in mine.

So, while I still think a monthly log of nice things and accomplishments has much to recommend it, as a hedge against underestimating our own productivity, I'm coming around to the view that if I can write on each month's list 1) FATHOMS DEEP IN LOVE and 2) OVERCOME WITH HAPPINESS, that might be enough (though I hasten to add that I did already log for October receipt of book royalties that were larger than I expected and a well-received talk via ZOOM for a literary organization). 

But these days "being" satisfies me (almost?) as much as "doing" - even if I'm glad I wrote this blog post now and can cross it off my to-do list for October!




Friday, September 9, 2022

Helpful Hint for Writers from Sir Isaac Newton; or The Magic of Momentum

As I was working fitfully on my current middle-grade-novel-in-progress during the first part of the summer, I experienced a curious lack of energy, even though I was excited by the idea in theory. But in practice, I just couldn't get into that blissful state of flow where one word follows another onto the page, and one page follows another into a growing stack of chapters. 

Why was this?

Was it because the idea in fact did NOT excite me that much? Was this a signal to me from the Muses to search for another idea that might prove more compelling?

Or was it because I was in fact only sitting down to work on the book for an hour or two every week or two?

I decided to try out the theory that the answer was: the latter. I vowed to MAKE myself sit down to my clipboard, pad, and pen for an hour every single day, and guess what happened when I did?

Yes, I fell in love with the book, and I now have 13 chapters done, and I look forward every day to another hour of being in the company of these characters and watching their story unfold. It turns out that writing really does go better when you actually do it! Who knew??!

Well, Sir Isaac Newton knew. 

Newton's very first law of motion is the law of inertia, that an object at rest tends to remain at rest and an object in motion tends to remain in motion, unless some external force acts upon them. I had been an object at rest. Of course, I tended to remain at rest! I might have remained at rest for the rest of my life and never written anything ever again. But once I decided to make my new resolution serve as the external force to act upon myself - glory be! - I became an object in motion and I've been in motion ever since.

Take today, for example. Our recent heat wave has broken, and it's downright chilly here at Rainbow's End, with a high in the mid-50s and gray misty skies: perfect writing weather. So I got cozy in the sunroom on this day without sun, with Gaia-the-dog standing guard to make sure I didn't waver in my resolve, and I prepared to write.

I had been balking on Chapter 14 because I had no idea what should happen in it  - a good reason to balk! Plus, I had the uncomfortable sense that the pacing of the book was beginning to lag, flag, and drag, not to mention sag. There is a reason why "the sagging middle" is a thing that all writers dread. But, as they say, "the only way out is through." The only way to figure out what needed to happen next was to sit there, pen in hand, and scribble little notes to myself. What ELSE could be going on in my character Zeke's life that might come into play at this point? I brainstormed. I got discouraged. I brainstormed some more. I was still stuck.

Then I realized that what I needed to do was make a calendar for the book of all that had happened so far. To do this is, of course, to realize that one has created weeks with six or seven school days in a row, and a story that begins in mid-February but really needs to begin in late March, etc. etc. That in itself was a highly valuable way to spend a writing hour, as timeline problems are a beast to fix later on. Best, in the course of making the calendar and looking closely at everything that had already occurred, I achieved new clarity on what should happen next. I now have a plan!

Yay for being an object in motion! Yay for the magic of momentum!

P.S. As I downloaded a Sir Isaac Newton stock photo to use in this post, I saw that I already had one saved on my computer. Hmm. I must have blogged about Newton's first law of motion at some time in the past. I Googled myself, and sure enough, I had, back in 2018! But this current post reflects on inertia from a different angle, so I'm glad I wrote that old one and was quite interested to read it as I had forgotten it even existed; now my present and future self can benefit from the wisdom of my past self. And I'm glad I wrote this one, too, for future me to read. And maybe for some of you! 

Thursday, September 1, 2022

The Newest New Life Ever

It's the first day of the new month, so the day I start (as I always do on the first of every month) a WHOLE ENTIRE NEW LIFE. But this one feels like the newest new life EVER.

In March I fell in love - desperately, hopelessly, till-death-do-us-part in love. By May he and I were fathoms deep in this, going happily back and forth between my home in South Boulder and his gorgeous apartment on West Pearl Street in Boulder, nestled at the foot of the mountains but in easy walking distance from the coffee shops and bookstores of our famed car-free downtown shopping area. The drive from one to the other was a mere 12 minutes. It was all absolutely perfect for new love to take root and grow toward the sun.

But in May he found out his lease wasn't being renewed... and he had to move... and we had to throw ourselves into house-hunting in a tight and tense real estate market... and ponder what our future together would look like now. He made a list of what he was searching for in a rental and came up with these criteria: not more than 20 minutes away from Claudia's house, fenced yard for his beloved German shepherd, and no stairs as a wise choice for the two of us as we age. 

Instead we both fell in love with a place with NONE of these features: far enough away from my house that the drive back and forth would be much less convenient, no yard at all, and stairs, stairs, and STAIRS!

He moved in at the start of August to this house in the near mountains, and now I'm pretty much here all the time, because it is SOOOO beautiful! It is the perfect place to be in love! AND the perfect place to write! And just.... perfect. The owner even gave it the name of Rainbow's End. What could be more perfect that that?


So here I am, trying to figure out how to be BOTH a woman who loves this man AND a woman who loves to write. My old routines are no longer working, so I'm groping toward new ones.

Old routine for the last few years:

Wake up at 3:30 a.m., decide that getting up at that hour is much too ridiculous, so stay in bed till 3:45 (which after all is the same as quarter to 4, a perfectly respectable time to get up), write for a blissful hour, piddle on my phone with Wordle and Duolingo for a while, leave at 5:50 to meet a friend for a walk by the lake, home by 7:30, with so much already accomplished that I am downright giddy with smugness and pity for others' slothfulness. 

Recent routine as a new lovebird:

Wake up at 5:30, cuddle in bed with my beloved till 6:30 or 7, sharing and analyzing our dreams and marveling that we could love anybody as much as we love each other, then long walk on a deserted lane tucked into a Ponderosa pine forest with Gaia-the-dog, back home by 8 or so, sit for an hour on the deck with coffee for him and hot chocolate for me, then stretching for him while I dally on my phone with games and our oatmeal slowly cooks, eat the oatmeal in a long leisurely breakfast on the other deck that ends at 11:00 - and OMG, the whole morning is gone and I have accomplished nothing!!! Nothing at all!!!

New routine for the new life:

Same as the lovebird routine, BUT with a dedicated hour-a-day of writing (timed with my hourglass) during part of the coffee-on-the-deck time and all the rest of the pre-breakfast time, with no time-wasting indulgences on my phone until after this is done, and then sweet reunion over the now well-earned oatmeal. I started this new regimen three days ago, on this past Monday; it's Thursday now, and I can report that I'm so much happier (despite having been extravagantly happy before). I'm a quarter or third of the way into a new middle-grade novel in progress that I adore - more on this to come. I finally have the momentum that comes from faithful, sustained commitment to a project.

Can I have love AND writing, too? On this first day of my newest new life ever, my answer is ... I think so?