Making an Allowance for Ourselves

When I had my first baby (31 years ago), I was utterly flummoxed by the entire experience. I couldn't function at ALL because it seemed that ALL he did was cry and eat - and eat - and eat - and eat. I remember keeping a desperate little chart of how often he ate - was it REALLY every hour? or more? or was this just my crazed imagination? And nursing did NOT come easily to me. NONE of it came easily to me, in fact, because what I adore is productivity, moving forward on my life goals, getting stuff DONE, and as a new mother with a new baby, I was getting NOTHING done except trying to keep him calm and fed. I spent all day doing things I was bad at doing, and nary a minute doing anything I was actually good at doing.

Other people took such good care of me during that time. One friend would invite me over to her house for a couple of hours while her husband would entertain my baby and she and I would have gin and tonics. I will remember her kindness till the day that I die.

But as the months and years went by, I never got very good at the being-a-mom thing. I always felt I was struggling to function in the world because it was so difficult functioning at home. Well, I could make an allowance for myself: I was a new mom! (Except that I wasn't all that new any more.) And then I'd see other people with brand-new infants who were hosting dinner parties! And bringing home-made treats to office potlucks! And taking their babies to work and actually working when they got there!

Hmmm.

Now, decades later, I've been having trouble functioning because of truly tragic family woes, where once again, I'm cutting myself a lot of slack (who COULD function, struggling under my load?) and making huge allowances for myself (oh, you POOR THING!). And yet, I can't help being aware that other people - maybe most other people? - are also struggling under their own crippling loads - loads every bit as heavy as mine - and seem to be doing just fine.

Hmmm.

Right now, the worst of my current family stresses are reaching a (sad, but bearable) resolution. Difficult decisions have been made. These difficult decisions will have to be lived with forever. Can I still keep on making allowances for myself, or is it time to suck it up, buttercup, and get with the program?

Here's my tentative answer: YES, it's fine to keep on making allowances for myself! And guess what? It's fine for YOU to keep on making allowances for yourself, too. Life is hard. Why do we want to make it harder for ourselves? And who makes this "program" that we pressure ourselves to "get with"? Why don't we change the program so that it's more humane and forgiving for all of us?

Now, by this I DON'T mean not doing our fair share of whatever it is that has to be done. But it does mean questioning what does indeed "have" to be done. One semester, when I was teaching full-time in the philosophy department, one colleague tallied up the number of talks (job talks, colloquium talks, work-in-progress talks, etc.) we were expected to attend during that fifteen-week period: 65!! Why did we do this to ourselves? Why don't we start resisting some of the extravagant demands we permit the world to place upon us?

Also, "fair" shares have some flexibility. In my little church, I feel I can contribute best by doing the things I love and am good at: writing, speaking (I give a lot of guest sermons), and teaching - also running meetings - and organizing things. I feel no need to volunteer for the things I'm TERRIBLE at, such as counting up the offering after worship and ringing handbells in the bell choir. Although I do take my turn at serving fellowship time snacks, I don't bring amazing home-baked goodies, but present a perfectly acceptable spread of store-brought snacks.

Finally, those other people who seem to perform so amazingly under astronomical stress may fall apart plenty behind the scenes. After all, I look pretty darned functional and productive to the rest of the world most of the time, too. Or they may be people who deal best with stress by keeping themselves constantly busy. One of my closest friends deals with her ongoing heartbreak by walking every day, swimming every day, AND hiking every day. That's her drug of choice. My drug of choice is writing blog posts, reading library books, and mega-sleeping. It's all good.

So, dear ones, let's make allowances for one another, and for ourselves. And if you have a new baby you want me to entertain for an hour while we both sip gin and tonics, just let me know. . . .